Regrets, I Have a Few

Updated: Jun 16, 2019

I was so afraid that I would have to leave before I was done living. Thinking that my diagnosis was so unfair and being terrified of all that I would miss here on Earth. I am not complete yet, I have so much more to give, especially to my sweet Sierra. My sweet girl, Sierra lost her father and I lost a husband when she was only 9. He was a magical charismatic musician and an entertainer who suffered as most truly gifted do, with mental illness. He lost his fight with his bipolar illness, after I decided to leave him after 15 years. I couldn’t change him or help him and so I walked away. Somedays, I carry the guilt with me that I jumped into the life raft to save myself and left him to drown. Other days, I am even more selfish and I am actually glad that we never had to tear Sierra down the middle. He died and I lived and I parented my heart out to make up for two parents when one was gone too soon. He left notes but they were written at the edge of the cliff and they will never answer all of the whys? And what ifs? So, you see cancer was inconvenient because a child even an adult one, cannot survive two blows such as this and so I could not let it be the end. We will party in Las Vegas when she turns 21 just like I promised, I will watch her graduate from college, and hope to dance with her at her wedding. I also us to want to be together when her hands start to look old and she looks down and thinks they are starting to look like mine. Don’t worry readers, I invited some amazing people into Sierra’s life who have become our new family and her father’s side of the family still loves her too. Now all I can do is pray that the cancer will never creep back and steal me from the girl I love so much…to be continued.

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